Talking Tuesday
Share your thoughts, feelings, and stories as well as respond to others regarding these questions:
What is/was your biggest fear about marriage?
I’ll get us started …
My biggest fear going into marriage was being an inadequate wife. In everything that I do, I carry extremely high expectations of myself, and by nature, I am a perfectionist. So, when I began planning for my marriage, I was afraid that the task of being the lifelong wife I desired to be was out of reach. In general, I only set goals I know I can achieve, and this was one I was fearful I would fail at simply because I demand nothing less than perfection from myself.
What I had to realize (quickly) was that all I can do is my absolute best each and every day to be the best wife possible. I do fail, falter, and fumble from time to time. Yes, there are times I don’t accomplish everything I want to, and I know sometimes I disappoint or hurt my husband. That’s human nature and part of being in a relationship. Those are all growth opportunities though, and they’re also some of the greatest moments where I feel most loved by my husband. Steve doesn’t love “perfect wife Ashley;” he loves “imperfect but trying my best, Ashley.”
Okay, it’s your turn!
Congratulations to our May Talking Tuesday Giveaway Winner … Brenda! Thanks everyone for your amazing comments; we love hearing from you! Keep sharing for your chance to win our June Talking Tuesday Giveaway!
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June 8th, 2012 at 12:00 pm
My biggest fear is that I will fall into the ho hum land of complacency. I certainly hope that I can be successful at having a good marriage that will be evident to us and others for years to come! After all, I married my best friend.
June 19th, 2012 at 12:43 pm
Erin, I am with you on that fear of complacency in marriage. To be honest, I think it’s a good “fear” in the sense that if you are consciously aware of the danger of that, you work hard to prevent it. I find that spending quality time together and having fun keep things fresh and fun. The excitement of making memories and adventuring together constantly enlivens our marriage. Like you said, you married your best friend, so you should enjoy the journey together! Thanks for sharing!
June 5th, 2012 at 1:50 pm
I have been married for just over a year now (May 7), and my biggest fear pre-marriage has been diminished. That was the “moving into his territory” fear. Honestly, it was as rough as I had anticipated. BUT, we learned from it and moved on. It has been a fabulous year. With that being said, my biggest fear for the future is that I will not learn to live in the moment – that I will always look for what is to come instead of what is happening right now. I fear that if I continue to do this, I will miss out on what is right in front of me.
June 19th, 2012 at 12:40 pm
Lori Kay, thanks for joining the conversation! How important it is to encounter issues and fears as a couple and overcome them as a couple stronger and wiser for it. I’m thrilled to hear it’s been a wonderful year of marriage for you guys! As for your fear moving forward, I can relate completely. It’s a delicate balance between being excited and planning for the future without becoming discontent and missing out on the present. For me, I handle that pull between what is and what’s to come by just praying about it all. When anticipation becomes anxiety, I ask for peace, comfort, and patience. It’s the only thing that keeps the equation balanced for me
June 5th, 2012 at 1:23 pm
My husband and I were friends long before we got married. We dated for six years prior to getting married and were engaged for three years. We did not live together prior to marriage. The month before my marriage I began to think and re-think what I expected from marriage and how I thought it would be. We both had been married previously and had rocky relationships. Neither of us wanted to make the same mistakes we had previously, which is why we dated for so long. My biggest fear was the fact that we each had children to bring into one home and I also knew that we would be responsible for his mentally challenged brother. I seriously weighed if I could handle him, his brother and his son for the rest of my life. We have been together 21 years in May.
June 19th, 2012 at 12:37 pm
Vicki, that is a lot to contemplate and figure out. I think marriage, especially after divorce and with children, is a challenging situation, more-so than a first marriage. As you did though, thinking it through, taking your time, and learning from your mistakes is so crucial to your success moving forward. It sounds like you guys made the appropriate adjustments needed to have a healthy, lifelong marriage. Thanks for sharing!
June 5th, 2012 at 8:46 am
My biggest fear is that I won’t be able to adjust well to marriage after being single for so long.
June 19th, 2012 at 12:35 pm
Lindsay, thanks for joining the conversation! That’s a legitimate fear that I think many people can relate to, especially those who marry later in life. The truth is that marriage is always an adjustment, but if you are willing to go in knowing that you will need to adapt, change, and grow, then you will figure it out along the way. The important thing is to be willing to compromise and be flexible with your spouse as needed
June 5th, 2012 at 8:39 am
…to append to my first comment, my bride-to-be was 19 and I was 24, just youngsters. Neither of us really knew what we were getting ourselves into. We both loved The Lord, but that’s all we really knew. What do we really know about life at those ages? That has been the cement that has kept us together, but it has not been easy at times. We have both been frustrated to tears more times than either of us could count and both have had the thought of “giving up” cross our minds. I know I was a typical egocentric, self-centered, me-first kind of guy (although I myself could not quite identify it as such). We were different in a lot of ways, but we loved each other. God has brought us through all those imperfections and strife they caused. Three dear daughters helped round off the rough edges, too. They have a way of doing that to a Daddy’s heart, but they are beautiful reflections of their mother’s heart and their Dad’s perfectionism.
We are an instant society(and I am well aware that this is an over-used euphemism today) here in America, but we are inclined to believe that everything should have an “easy” button and “political correctness” has only compounded the situation. Marriage has no “easy” button,… and we need to really come to grips with that, before America goes the way of other “great” civilizations, whose demise was preceded by the minimalization of the God-centered family.
Marriage takes real, hard work, blood, sweat, tears and “down on the knees” supplication to The One who created man and woman, the marriage institution between them, and the resultant family and ultimately civilized society.
June 19th, 2012 at 12:33 pm
Rick, WOW! I am not sure that I can add anything to what you have said here other than … AMEN! Such wisdom and insight, and I am so thrilled and honored that you shared it with us! Thank you!
June 5th, 2012 at 7:55 am
Well put, Ashley. So long as we live in these mortal bodies, we will never be perfect, especially in marriage, and one can only strive to be his/her best as a husband or wife. I was a lot like you when I got married…an extreme perfectionist, and did not really know if I could do “this thing called marriage”. I literally got the proverbial “cold feet” syndrome the day of our marriage. My “bride to be” was one beautiful, bouncy, bright, intelligent, thoughtful, sensitive, caring, Godly…young lady (still is today, only moreso, but with the lovely maturity that years bring). I was afraid that I could not be all the things she needed in a husband. My “best man” talked sense to me and we took that walk down the aisle to marriage together. I took my Dad’s advice seriously, when he said (to paraphrase) that the length of the kiss after the pronouncement at the front of the church would be an indicator of the length of the marriage. I never shared this with her, but I kissed as long as I could, before she needed to “come up for air”. Thirty-six years today, so I guess that God has smiled upon that kiss and perhaps still laughs today, as He has blessed us immeasurably. As for my fears, I just take it one day at a time, asking God to keep our marriage in the palm of His hand, and oh, yes, I’m still not perfect. What matters is that we humbly and prayerfully do our best and God will honor that…to eternity.
June 19th, 2012 at 12:32 pm
Rick, I always look forward to what you have to share! It’s evident that your 36 years of marriage have brought wisdom and insight to you, and I appreciate you sharing that with us! It’s so true that all we can do is strive to be our best in marriage. I know for me, I always pray that God develops within me the best version of a wife and person I can be for my more-than-deserving husband. It truly takes intentionality, hard work, and a lot of prayer to continually grow and be the best you can be. There is never a moment that effort isn’t worth it though. What a cute concept regarding the first kiss at the wedding; I’ve never heard of that but love it! Thank you so much for sharing honestly and openly with us! Oh, and HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!
June 5th, 2012 at 7:24 am
I have been married for just about 42 years (June 27)and married at 18. I really didn’t have fears about marriage at that point because I thought my husband was going to take care of me for the rest of my life and I was willing to let him do that. Oh, what a child I was! The fears about my marriage began about the third year when I was getting pretty darned annoyed at my position in life. This was back in the early 70s and women were subservient up to that point. Then, the fears (and the anger) began. To tell you the truth, my marriage was imploding pretty quickly. I had 3 babies in 3 years and a husband who thought he was the King of the household. We both feared we were losing the marriage totally and it took a great turnaround to get things back on track in a more equal fashion. This did not happen easily and it took on different forms over the years. Anyone getting married today needs to go into it with a great sense of self and never wanting to be less than an equal partner. I look back and have no idea who that little girl that got married was and I am grateful that my husband and I have grown together in this direction.
June 19th, 2012 at 12:28 pm
Marilyn H, thanks for kicking off the conversation and sharing with us! What a powerful testimony of working through difficulties, hurt, disappointments, and issues in a marriage to come out stronger and wiser on the other side. Like you said, it’s not easy, but I do believe that it’s always worthwhile. Equality in marriage is definitely important. While the husband may be the leader, that doesn’t make him a dictator or of more value than the wife. Husband and wife are a team with equally important roles and value. Thanks so much for sharing your encouraging story! Happy early anniversary to you and your husband!!